What TikTok’s ‘crush’ trend really tells us about ourselves

Falling in love can bring about a swirl of emotions, and a trend going viral on TikTok is raising the question of how far you should pursue those feelings.

Over 160 million posts on the social media platform reveal the extreme lengths people will go to to impress potential romantic partners after expressing certain preferences. From eye color to dancing skills to special hobbies, TikTok users shared old social media posts aimed at their crushes, and the results are pretty hilarious.

One video, which has been viewed nearly 23 million times, shows a woman trying to look like Ariana Grande after her crush confesses that he likes her. “So embarrassing,” one person commented. “But you managed it.”

As the trend sends the internet reminiscing, relationship expert Nicole Moore said: Newsweek and the unexpected impact these efforts have on self-esteem.

“Falling in love almost always destroys our sense of self in some way,” Moore says. “If you believe you have to fundamentally change yourself in order to fall in love, you’re essentially telling yourself that you’re not worthy of love as you are.”

Another video, posted by @becksandquest, begins with the caption, “One time my crush posted that he liked ‘skater girls’ so I posted this the next day.” The video, which has been viewed more than 5 million times, shows a younger version of the creator hopping on a skateboard and wearing a beanie.

While much of the video is upbeat, Moore points out a deeper truth about our desperate need for unrequited love and affection, which is often born out of insecurity.

“The funny thing about love is that it almost always functions as a distraction to avoid our own feelings of insecurity or fear,” she said. “Often, those who fall most intensely harbor deep-seated feelings of insecurity. They project their intense longings onto the other person, so they focus on trying to win someone over instead of looking at their own inner insecurities.”

Unrequited love is inherently “intense”

Moore said unrequited love is different from typical romantic feelings and is often accompanied by strong feelings of “admiration, desire and infatuation” that can be confusing and even painful.

“Unrequited love is an intense desire to be with someone you perceive as out of reach or superior in some way. The idea that love is out of reach can sometimes make people compromise or change who they are,” she said.

Changing yourself can backfire and make your crush less attractive to you: “The more you try to please your crush, the less likely they are to want to be with you in the long term, because pleasing them at the expense of yourself often makes them feel insecure, which is a typically unattractive trait in relationships,” Moore says.

Overwhelm with “Core Essence”

While anxiety and infatuation can lead to unusual behaviour, falling in love doesn’t mean you have to completely lose your sense of self. Moore said the first step is to get to know your “true self” and know your worth.

“You have to first judge other people’s likes and desires against your true self,” she says. “If you love who you are and have a strong sense of self, you’ll be open to other people’s beings and desires, but if they’re too far removed from who you are, you won’t be able to accept them.”

Knowing your true nature and value as a person helps reduce the resentment you feel when you place someone on an idealized platform.

“Put the person you like in their place as just a human being, regardless of whether you’re compatible or not,” Moore says.

While TikTok users taking part in the trend are being praised for their impressive transformations, Moore’s words are intended to prevent history from repeating itself.

“If you have to radically change yourself to earn someone’s love, then you aren’t really winning their love after all,” she says. “They’re not loving your true self, they’re loving the false self you’ve created.”