This essay is based on a conversation with Uday Padyana, a manager in his mid-30s who works at a major technology company in Silicon Valley. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
I emigrated from India in my 20s, and when I first arrived in Silicon Valley in 2013, I knew I wanted to return.
My parents and grandmother thought I was just homesick, but I knew it wasn’t because I had lived and worked outside of my hometown before: I knew that working for a major tech company in Silicon Valley would turn me into a different person and that I would probably never return home.
Eleven years later, and with several jobs at major tech companies under my belt, I consider myself happy here, but I’ve missed so much back home: family, friends, a social circle, a sense of belonging.
There may be more opportunities in India, but working in America suits me better.
I have interned and worked at several other technology companies in Silicon Valley, including PayPal, and currently work for a large technology company. Prior to my current role, I worked for a mid-sized technology company in Atlanta and outside the industry as a data analyst in Washington DC for over four years.
There are so many more opportunities in India. The growth rate of the tech industry is phenomenal, especially at the top companies. If I were doing the same job in the same company in India, my salary would probably be around 60% of what I make here, but I would probably be able to save almost double what I save here.
That’s because the cost of living and taxes in Silicon Valley are higher than in India. There is no public transport here, so people have to own a car or take Uber, which is more expensive compared to India. Also, quality organic food and eating out are more expensive in India, and using cleaning services is cheaper in India. I go to India every year to visit my family, so my expenses are higher here.
But nevertheless, working in the US suits me better than working in India, thanks to my individualistic mindset. I adapt well to environments where hierarchical structures are generally flatter and there is a sense of responsibility, ownership and independence.
I also love the increased opportunities to explore restaurants serving cuisines from around the world, meet people from different countries, and attend some of the top networking opportunities, conferences, and classes in the United States.
When I first came back to Japan, I experienced reverse culture shock.
When I returned to India for the first time after living in the US for 3 years, I had a hard time adjusting. It was too hot and everything felt small, including my own room, where I had lived for years. I became sensitive to noise. America is quiet, but in India there was constant noise and I couldn’t sleep. The air quality was also poor.
I was angry and threw a tantrum like a teenager, but by the end of the trip I realized I was wrong to expect people to change their ways and norms for me after only being there for a few weeks.
I made a commitment to travel to India once a year, and I’ve mostly been able to keep that promise.
Despite visiting regularly, I realize I’ve changed: I expect more quiet and personal space. Indian summers are getting hotter and hotter, and I’ve grown accustomed to the ubiquitous air conditioning and quality Wi-Fi we have in the U.S. I’ve also forgotten some habits and picked up on the wrong ones.
My recent habits, tastes, habits, and life choices have led some of my former friends to view me as “the expat guy.” When I habitually speak in an American way, they sometimes assume I’m doing it for show. And when I say something with an authoritative tone, they assume that confidence comes from living in America, not from who I am.
I also now know that I may be looked down upon, so I have to consciously think about how I might be perceived before I say anything. Some people back home are very competitive, and they imply that they think I’m just lucky, and that if they had the chance, they would do just as well, if only better.
Missed the human connection
My definition of comfort, friendships, and relationships has changed.
WhatsApp text messages and calls home are not as effective as meeting family and friends in person. WhatsApp calls are good for short chats but not for emotional conversations. It is difficult to assess the other person’s emotional and physical state and there is a high risk of arguments due to misunderstandings.
Sometimes my friends and family don’t share things with me because they think certain things are best discussed in person, and I don’t share as much about my life with them as I would have naturally if I was closer. I have missed many meet-and-greets and reunions for family and friends, such as weddings, births, and other important life events.
I also didn’t grow up with my Indian friends. I didn’t follow their timeline and so didn’t feel much peer pressure. Gradually, differences in thinking emerged between me and my old friends, from our taste in food and content to our outlook on life.
I feel that the opportunities I had in America could have allowed me to grow faster, both materially and spiritually, even if not at the same pace as the people I grew up with.
What would my life have been like if I had stayed in India?
I am generally happy with my job and my experience working for a large tech company here.
While he doesn’t regret his decision to move to the US to pursue a career in tech, part of him wonders what his life would have been like if he had stayed in India – perhaps pursuing teenage dreams such as becoming an entrepreneur in tech or entertainment.
But maybe this is a bit wishful thinking. As a colleague said, “Maybe you would have failed there. Many people try and fail, and only a few succeed.” I’ll never know what would have happened.
Living in a new place changes you on the inside, makes you a different person. I feel foreign here and foreign there. Even if I had all the means to go back to India, things would be different. I’m so far removed from who I was before. And, although I love America, I’m not from here. I didn’t have the same upbringing as many here, so there are subtle differences in jokes, music, pop culture references, and even customs.
One of the things I want to do is to realize and feel fully utilized in all my talents, whether that be from a creative standpoint, a tech or business standpoint. I feel like I’m not quite there yet and have worked really hard to make ends meet and put myself in a “safer” situation, mainly through work, insurance, savings, etc.
But in this recession, nothing is safe, and I wish I had taken risks from the start – with a start-up idea, trying to get into the film industry, taking time off to write that novel I’ve always wanted to write – and I still can.
When I first moved to the US, I explored different frameworks for long-term thinking, such as Jeff Bezos’ famous approach of looking at my life from the perspective of my 80-year-old self, in the hopes that this would help me make more conscious future choices to arrive at outcomes that I’ll be happy with when I’m in my 40s, 50s, and 90s.
If you moved country for work and would like to share your story, please email Jane Zhang. janezhang@businessinsider.com.
