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Nee Johnson, 23, a lifestyle influencer and university student, decided to become a “boysobre” at the end of the school year.
She’s not alone.
2019 marked the beginning of “Hot Girl Summer,” created by Megan Thee Stallion with her hit single “Hot Girl Summer.” Five years later, we’re in the era of “Boysover Summer.”
Single women are joining a new trend of eschewing any romantic or sexual interactions with men, including dating or casual hookups. Therapists say the emergence of the boysober movement signals a growing trend of young women taking a step back from sex and relationships, putting a new spin on voluntary singlehood.
More and more women are stepping away from dating, and here’s why.
Jordan Pickell, a trauma and relationship therapist, said the majority of her single clients have “intentionally stopped dating altogether” within the past year, and even more so within the past few months.
With the rise of online dating, more women are experiencing burnout.
“Dating apps require a lot of time, money and energy, and in return people get unsatisfying and sometimes even harmful experiences,” she says.
Many of her female clients say they struggle to create dating profiles, only to find they receive little energy from the men they want to date.
Shadeen Francis, a marriage and family psychotherapist and licensed sex therapist, sees “boysobriety” as a counter term to “boycrazy,” which tends to paint a picture of women as craving or obsessing over men’s approval.
Francis said that for young women in their early to mid-20s, how much fun a date is has less to do with a future partner, especially since online dating allows people to idealize someone without actually knowing anything about them.
“[Young women]love to fantasize and daydream about the possibilities, but oftentimes it ends up being ruined when they actually talk to that person,” she says. “They love to talk about their experiences with their friends, but the actual interactions they have in these romantic and sexual situations are often disappointing, confusing, overwhelming and sometimes put them in dangerous situations.”
What’s it like to be a “boysobre”?
Johnson and his best friend often joked that they had never been single at the same time, and once his best friend started a serious relationship, Johnson realized he wanted the “complete opposite.”
“I’m a real romantic guy. I’m not always looking for a relationship, but I don’t mind dating and being around people,” she says. “I haven’t had much pushback from my friends, and if they did, it’s because they didn’t think I could do it.”
But now, three months in, she’s finding it easier than she expected, and even calling it “fun.”
Before becoming a boyz-ober, Johnson had ended a two-year relationship followed by another serious one, during which she felt she was “the friend who was always with her boyfriend” and that it was interfering with her female friendships.
“I was too obsessed with my boyfriend,” she said, adding that he would follow her when she went out with friends. “It’s a little annoying to have a friend like that, and I didn’t want to be that kind of friend. I wanted to be a good friend, not just a friend that was focused on the relationship.”
She also found herself trapped in unsatisfying relationships.
Since becoming a boysober, she has learned to set boundaries for herself and diversify the men and dates in her life.
“I’m very comfortable not talking to men, not dating, not looking for partners, not seeking approval from men,” she says.
How is this different from voluntary singlehood?
To Johnson, being a boysober was “a fun twist on single life” because it did exactly the same things as single life, “only in an exciting way.”
Francis says the words we use actually have a deeper meaning, reflecting the communal aspect that makes juvenile sobriety so appealing to young women.
Celibacy is centered on abstinence, whereas abstinence is centered on “sobriety.”
“This quote says a lot about reclaiming energy for yourself,” she says. “Even if you’re no longer chasing your partner or trying to get their attention, you’re still a sexual or sensual being.”
“Boysover” also distances itself from the historical context of celibacy, which Pope Francis has said is often about “purity, external power, proving or acquiring something.”
What is voluntary celibacy?Sexual Empowerment Through Saying “No”
Change how you feel about being single
Women are redefining what it means to be single, Pickell said.
“[Being single]is not something to be ashamed of; it’s not an indication of something being lacking, but an empowering choice,” she says. “By being a boysober, a woman is actively removing men from the center of her life and taking a step back instead of trying to please men.”
Through this intentional disconnect, some of Pickel’s clients have been able to realize they are queer and begin to explore their sexuality.
“They can become so caught up in the game of compulsory heterosexuality that they don’t necessarily understand or consider the idea of dating someone other than a man,” she says.
Is there a future for the “boysobre” trend?
Pickell and Francis said juvenile abstinence is likely to continue because, like most trends, most people ultimately want a romantic relationship.
Johnson said she set a goal to continue Boysover through the summer and plans to continue with it, but after that she would consider dating if the right person came along.
“I just want to build strong, meaningful connections and friendships with people I want to be close to in the future,” she says.
Becoming a boysober has helped her understand what she wants in a future partner and has given her confidence that she will be able to have a more fulfilling relationship in the future.
If you’re struggling with a need for validation, even if only temporarily, Johnson recommends going abstinent and “putting that energy back into yourself.”
Picker and Francis are also in attendance.
“When[young women]almost inevitably reenter society and pursue dating and relationships,” Francis says, “they are better able to define their boundaries, assert what they want from a partner, and are less overwhelmed or consumed by the drama.”
