Chesley Christ’s final email, sent just before she died by suicide on the morning of January 30, 2022, was “devastating” to receive, her mother April Simpkins said.
“By the time you receive this, I won’t be alive anymore,” Cristo began in a note to his mother. Her mother read her text when she returned to her home in South Carolina after an early morning workout.
Simpkins frantically called out to Chesley, but there was no response, and she realized that Chesley was Extra The 2019 Miss USA correspondent passed away at the age of 30. “I had to tell myself out loud how to breathe again…I honestly thought my body was going to shut down like this,” she tells PEOPLE in this week’s issue. Ta. .
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But after she had time to process all of her daughter’s last messages, Simpkins said, “I realized that she was really comforting me.”
Chris wrote in an email to his mother: “I love you mom. You are my best friend and the person I have lived with for many years. I can’t stand the despair and loneliness, I never told you these feelings because I didn’t want you to worry and I hoped it would change someday, but all the accomplishments, I know they will never follow me through successes, family gatherings, friendly dinners, and they are loudest during my failures, setbacks, and heartbreaks, leaving me with a swollen face. My teeth hurt and now I cry almost every day as if I’m in mourning.With all my heart, you were there for me in my loneliest moments without even telling me I needed you. You kept me alive and I’m ready for another day because you answered every call. You were there for me through thick and thin. You have always made me feel loved and listened to me when I talked about what was going on in my life. I love you more than anyone ever did. You did nothing wrong and everything was right.”
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Simpkins said of the heartbreaking message, “She was like, ‘Mom, this isn’t you, Mom. This is the pain I’ve been carrying and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it.’ “It was,” he says. And I needed to process it. ”
Simpkins fulfills one of his daughter’s last wishes by completing and publishing her memoir. By the time you read this: The space between Chesley’s smile and mental illness (Released on April 23rd), She had known for some time that her daughter was struggling. In 2015, while she was a law school student, Crist attempted suicide. After that, Simpkins said, “I felt like she had a second chance with her.”
She is committed to doing everything she can to support her daughter and “live every day to the fullest with her,” said Simpkins, 56, a human resources executive. “So when she passed away, I missed her very much, but I didn’t feel guilty. It’s not an exaggeration when she says I answered every call. My assistant I knew it, and everyone around me knew it. I didn’t have lunch, I didn’t have any appointments, and I said, ‘I have to take this call. I couldn’t say, ‘Please.’ ”
About a week before Chris died, Simpkins had a conversation with her about a friend who had lost her son to suicide. “We were able to talk about anything and everything. And she shared her thoughts on what was going on…Her words were, ‘Sometimes people… I’m just tired,”’ Crist says. “I remember saying to her, ‘I couldn’t stand that, you kids are literally the air in my lungs.'” She was telling me how strong she was and how much she admired her,” Simpkins said. myself. ”
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Although it wasn’t their last conversation, Simpkins said she felt Crist’s email spoke directly to the fear she expressed, and that it was a way to ease her daughter’s pain.
“A lot of what she wrote in the text felt like a response to that conversation,” Simpkins says. She said, “I think some people were too shocked to understand. But when she was able to understand what she was saying, she was able to understand where she was.” I did.”
If you or someone you know needs mental health help, text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line (741741) or visit crisis textline.org to speak to a certified crisis counselor. Please connect.
Find out more about April Simpkins and Chesley Crist and exclusive excerpts from their memoirs in this week’s issue of PEOPLE, on sale Friday.
