Dear Mr. Law
partner and me moved overseas As an expatriate over 10 years ago. We both he is 40 years old. I plan to return to my native Ireland next year. While abroad, my partner became increasingly right-wing conservative in his worldview, which I believe is largely a reaction to the cultural climate of this country we currently live in. Masu. Unfortunately, he now waxes lyrical about how Ireland acquiesces to Irish whims. He is a “woke mobster” who is able to adjust to life back home as even his elderly parents are horrified by his newfound love of conspiracy theories and dictators. He told me he didn’t think so. Recently, a conversation between my partner and my own father went completely off the rails. At that time, my partner rudely mocked my father for expressing concern about the influence of the alt-right during the Dublin riots. My partner was definitely more moderate, if not socially liberal, which he never was when he lived in Ireland. I’m more of a center-left person, and in order to have a proper discussion with him about politics, abortion, LGBTQ topics, etc., he has to sit up and encourage me to “open my eyes to the truth.” My partner is otherwise a wonderful person and I love him dearly. He has a kind and gentle side, but it gets buried under all this nonsense. I’m afraid my partner will embarrass me in front of friends and family when we return to Ireland. I really want him to go back to being the person he was before we moved. It makes me very sad. Any advice?
Your partner and I don’t see eye to eye politically, so if we have the chance, we’ll probably argue at the dinner table. I’m stating this clearly because I’m not trying to act like my answer is unbiased. I’d also like to warn you that people who use the word “woke” in a derogatory manner probably won’t appreciate this column (or my thoughts in general). So, considering saving such people’s time and increasing their blood pressure, now is your chance to bail and go read anything in the world.
Now that the disclaimer is complete, I’ll get back to you, dear letter writers.
This can be a deal breaker that ends your relationship, I’m sure you know that. Some people may be happy being with a partner who has vastly different political views, but that’s not the relationship you signed up for. Your partner has changed dramatically over time, and his changed values, ways of thinking, and ways of interacting no longer align with what you want in a partner. If you remove the specifics of political beliefs, what you are experiencing is an increase in disagreement in relationships that many people experience. People change in all sorts of ways, which can lead to the end of a relationship. For example, changes in goals, life plans, priorities, personality, etc. Incompatibility over time is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship.
I say this because there can sometimes be reductive and simplistic rhetoric around political beliefs, as if it’s something people should just get over. It means that if you don’t bring up politics at the dinner table, everything will be fine. However, a partner’s sudden acceptance of a worldview that is incompatible with his or her own is sufficient reason to end the relationship. You can leave if you want — and I personally would.
But if you think this is worth working on and you want to address this with your partner, focus on your values. What I find interesting about Western conservatism in particular is that there is less emphasis on building, developing, and creating things that don’t involve restricting the rights of others. There is a very intense sense of being against many and agreeing with very few. There’s also a cult-like obsession with being the group that “really” knows what’s going on and who can claim the only “truth”, not just conspiracy theories, but everyone else. That’s why so many people in the media are claiming this. They are the only ones who will tell the truth even if they are lying. This didn’t come out of nowhere. People feel disenfranchised, alone, and powerless, and they seek some sense of control in a world where they don’t feel valued or heard. . Most of us can understand those feelings, but I also think there are ways to address those needs and feelings without oppressing, belittling, or instilling fear in others. Many people feel alone and helpless. What we do with those feelings and whether we try to empower others or push them down shows our values.
[ I’m a man in my 30s. I want to date women casually but don’t want to hurt anyone ]
I’m not just explaining this for the soapbox, but to provide an entry point for talking to your partner. Take the time to realize that his worldview has clearly changed a lot since you first met, and that you’re having a hard time processing those changes and understanding whether your values still align. Please tell me what you are doing. See what he says and if he thinks of something right away. If he asks for examples, focus on the values you demonstrated during your time together, both politically and personally. When you fall in love with him, you notice his empathy, acceptance of nuance, desire to treat others with respect, desire for the world to be safer for everyone, curiosity. Talk about how you admired your heart, your desire to learn from others, and maybe whatever. Specifically, list the things he supports rather than opposes. Next, note the changes you’ve observed and how they seem to reflect different values, and explain how that’s affecting your relationship with him. .
I’ll use an “I” statement here. “I feel like I used to be more focused on having engaged and respectful conversations, both among myself and with others, but from my perspective, I feel like now I’m more focused on having engaged and respectful conversations, both among myself and with others. I feel like they place more value on the “win” conversation. I feel like you are mocking me or others during the conversation. I felt like the way you talked belittled me and I no longer wanted to discuss the topic with you, even though I loved how respectful and engaged our conversations were. ” You can also make another point about the values he used to display and how you feel he has changed. From values of equality to values of superiority. A shift from emphasizing listening and learning to being someone who “knows best.” A shift from valuing being open-minded to being defensive and closed-minded. And we went from focusing on connecting with friends and family to distancing ourselves from them. Think about his changes based on your own experiences.
Then notice how he reacts. You tell your partner that you feel far away from him, that his behavior is pushing you (and others) away, and that your values no longer align. It explains that. Either he has fully evaluated you and your relationship and taken this seriously, reconsidered his behavior and made some changes, or he feels more in control with his newfound belief system. They focus on their desire to do something, and they don’t engage with you in any meaningful way.
If he seems serious about these issues and committed to being with you, and you want to make it work too, then make sure you understand each other and can talk respectfully. I recommend talking to a couples counselor who can help you.
But think carefully about whether you want to be with him now or cling to a version of him that no longer exists. In that case, it’s time to end the relationship, grieve what you once had, and find someone who is compatible with you today. Good luck.
[ ‘My friend’s toxic ex is back and I can’t keep listening to her complain about him’ ]
