To South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem
Source: Governor’s Public Relations Team
Subject: Sorry about the dog killing issue
Dear Governor Nomu:
Well, last weekend didn’t go as we expected. And I sincerely apologize that you have been called a “dog killer” so often.
When we read the text of your next book, especially the part about shooting a young hunting dog, Cricket, in a gravel pit, nothing raised any red flags for us. When we explained that Cricket does all kinds of dog things like chasing chickens and having a blast, we thought it was relatable. And when you wrote, “I hated that dog,” and described how you shot the puppy because he wasn’t a good hunting dog, we thought, “I hated that dog.” Another side of the governor. ”
MAGA people love toughness, and former President Donald Trump always calls people “choking like dogs” or “lied like a dog” This crowd seemed receptive to the occasional dispatch of a pup or two, so we took the anecdotes in your book more as opportunities for canine executions than for dog executions.
It was clearly not a wise strategic decision, and we deeply regret it. Who knew so many Americans loved dogs? The political corridors allow people to stand up and shoot a puppy without taking the very simple steps of training the dog, taking the dog to a humane shelter, or finding another place to live. Who would have imagined that people on both sides of the would find it offensive? Rather than hunting for dogs?
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We were just as surprised as you. Just a massive “oops!” on our part.
We really saw this as an opportunity to gain a base of mindless dog executioners and maybe tap into independent sociopaths and future serial killers. I just didn’t see the blowback coming.
To that end, we also deeply apologize for allowing you to share the details of the goat you also shot and killed in the gravel pit.
No governor or potential Republican vice presidential candidate needs to wake up and read the following actual words published in the Guardian.
“Noem decided to kill the unnamed goat the same way she killed her dog Cricket. However, even though she “dragged the goat into a gravel pit,” when she shot it, the goat I jumped up, so I didn’t get hurt. Noem returned to the truck and retrieved another shell, and she said, “She rushed back to the gravel pit and dropped him off.”
“At that point, Noem wrote, she realized the construction workers had watched her kill the two animals. The alarmed workers quickly returned to work, but… She wrote that a school bus had just arrived and was dropping off Noem’s children.
What a loser!Joe Biden hasn’t targeted a judge’s daughter or sold a single Bible.
“‘Kennedy looked around in confusion,’ Noem wrote of her daughter, who asked, ‘Hey, where’s Cricket?'”
Yes, in hindsight I should have deleted all the parts of the book that dealt with the killing of animals in gravel pits. That is our responsibility, not you, Governor. As you know, we fully support your daily acts of animal murder. Because we are real Americans, not liberals who think there’s something “wrong” about dragging an innocent puppy down a hole and shooting him for chasing chickens.
If you want to make America great again, you’re going to have to kill a few puppies, right?
We recognize that the fact that the title of your upcoming book is “No Going Back” is unfortunately ironic. Considering that almost everyone in America now thinks you’re a monster. And the line “If I were a better politician I wouldn’t be talking here” that comes right after the whole dog and goat killing part in the book is like…well, not so great I realized what I thought.
But there’s no need to worry. Today we start calling a lot of things “woke” and bring up some “Antifa” sightings. This should calm things down for you.
Again, I deeply apologize for not being able to stop you from bragging about being a canine assassin. It won’t happen again. Because everyone is quitting today.
Your career is clearly over.
— Loyal PR Team
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Hupke on X (formerly Twitter). @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
