The content below is purely satirical and completely fictional.
On Monday, President Jen Rexford advised Princeton University students and faculty to avoid unnecessary travel to Harvard amid continued political instability at the school. “As much as we all would love to see the Charles River clowns dismembered, it is too dangerous,” Rexford University wrote in a university-wide email.
Harvard University has rapidly descended into turmoil over the past two months. The university’s president resigned in January, and its undergraduate co-president was also fired last week. Harvard University police on Wednesday seized a cache of ski masks and night-vision goggles, thwarting an alleged plot by history faculty members to forcefully return former president Drew Gilpin Faust to power. It was announced that.
Several professors we spoke to at the Princeton School of Public and International Affairs (SPIA) said Harvard has become a failed state. Alan Garber, interim president of Harvard University, rejected the comparison. “At best, this is Northern Ireland in turmoil,” Garber said in his written statement.
New students who were traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts. Students and their families toured the Tufts campus and sat through a PowerPoint presentation showing what Harvard’s campus will look like once the dust settles.
A leadership crisis is forcing teachers to fill interim positions.
John Manning, dean of Harvard Law School, will serve as interim dean while President Alan Garber will serve as interim dean. The law school has Professor John C. P. Goldberg serving as interim dean, with Professor Michael Klarman replacing Mr. Goldberg on the hiring committee and Professor Martha Minnow representing Klarman on the undergraduate softball team. Professor Noah Feldman plays Minnow’s Mama Rose. She appeared in a student production of the musical “Gypsy.”
“I was born for this role,” Feldman told podcast listeners.
During Harvard’s presidential vacancy, the Board of Governors has been desperately searching for a candidate willing to take the job permanently. The University of Wisconsin president who was fired for his secret pornographic activities reportedly refused the job because it would “compromise his dignity.”
Whoever becomes the next president will have to guide the university through the current crisis and boost the morale of its more than 20,000 staff, 25,000 students and 30,000 in-house lawyers.
When reporters visited the general counsel’s office on Massachusetts Avenue, the scene was reminiscent of an emergency operations center after a natural disaster. Employees desperately tried to answer every phone call that came in and sprinted from meeting to meeting. What I thought was the constant ringing of the phone was actually the bell that rang each time the school received a subpoena from Congresswoman Virginia Foxx (R.N.C.). A middle-aged man wearing a business suit was crying in the corner of the room, holding a box of documents.
“It’s a pretty quiet day by our standards,” said a young woman who urinated into a bottle under her desk while typing the terms of a legal settlement on her cell phone. She said, “I might be able to catch the 10pm train.”
Sam McComb is a political science major and associate humor editor. The actor, who played the role of Mama Rose in “Gypsy,” prays for Professor Feldman’s soul.
