As I was flipping through the images that had washed over me in the storm of confusion, I saw her. She was the happiest girl I could ever be.
Oh, I’m standing here.
I’m standing here in the middle of it. Everything is happening at the same time here. Manic chaos surrounds me like a storm, tightening the walls around me and trying to suck me in. Everyone is leaving this moment behind and moving on and moving on.
But here I am, standing here one last time at this moment.
I move on, I move on, I leave this moment behind, not yet. I still have to make the last memories, say the last words and say goodbye.
And in the midst of this panic, in the eagerness to remember everything at once, my mind is focused on the most wonderful moments of my wonderful life.
“
My heart still tightens thinking of you, but I have reached my final moments and I must say goodbye. ”
As you stare at the storm roaring around you, you see the image come to life. And for the first time in my life, it felt like time had stopped.
Before it all disappears, you begin to see your own arms reaching out to these images, lightly grazing them, feeling what you felt so long ago. As I file away 12 years of flickering memories, the impact travels from my fingers, through my arms, and directly to my heart. I feel my chest grow until it feels compressed. I can’t help but laugh as I watch my life unfold before my eyes.
Every recess, I watch the little girl I used to play with sprint to the playground. I watched her quickly join her friends and get lost in reminiscing about their own little world. Sometimes she was a top secret spy, and sometimes she was the big sister at House’s friendly games. She embodied these characters as if her own life depended on it. In her mind, there needed to be some backstory to make it all believable. She made it very clear during her play. She ran on the wood chips until her legs hurt and she was gasping for air. On days like this, she requested her second pack of chocolate milk from her favorite lunch lady.
I opened my eyes to a new image and now see the girl I grew up with, firmly capturing every little happy moment. Her laughter echoes through the hallways she once walked. Her cheers sounded loud and clear as she flew around her student section like a little ball of light. Her smile grew brighter as she watched her best friend share what she had for lunch that day with a group of Spanish people. I watched her spirits light up as we sat in the same booth at the same fast-food restaurant, the same three insatiable people.
I’m watching the girl I raised turn into the happiest girl alive.
Amid all the craziness swirling around me, I feel gratitude for the past four years beginning to rise within me. I suddenly feel a surge of enthusiasm to tell everyone I’ve ever crossed paths with how much I appreciate them playing this game. It’s part of my amazing story.
But suddenly, as I begin to reach a kind of end, the storm around me dissipates. The image disappears from under my fingers, and time begins to spin again.
time.
It’s a very complex concept. One moment I’m a vibrant 14-year-old full of ideas and dreams, and the next I’m 18-years-old and leaving Room 139, where all of the dreams and goals I’ve achieved are housed.
I would like to stay longer, but I have written everything I wanted to write. I’ve told you everything you need to hear. And now I stand here, ready to walk away. Ready to move forward. You’re ready to move on. My heart still tightens thinking of you, but I have reached my final moments and must say goodbye.
I’ve never been very interested in the ending. It’s especially hard to let go of something you love so much, but how lucky I am to have lived such a beautiful story with you.
Believe me when I say, it was more than a pleasure.
